So, if you've taken the time to read my earlier posts, you'll know that for the most part, they're primarily me whining about my life lengthily and poor-worded-ly. Well, you'll be happy when I tell you that this post is not going to be like the others. "Yay," you'll think. However, your happiness will be short-lived when I tell you that this post will instead primarily be me whining about a specific topic. "Boo," will be your prevailing sentiment. However, being a total dorsch, I take pleasure in tormenting you, so my thought of "Hee," will be simultaneous to your "Boo." All thinking aside, I will now take foray into the world of things that annoy me [this world is slightly bigger than my thighs and slightly smaller than the ego of a blond guy].
Okay, I know I'm probably going to take a lot of guff for this but here it comes: baseball caps. They drive the bejeezus out of me. There is no faster way to make yourself look scruffy, disrespectable and poor than to slap a cap on the ol' noggin. I'm sorry but it's true. I know lots of people who wear baseball caps and there are even some who I've been able to develop affection for, despite their be-capped-ness. And to these people, if I hurt your feelings with these words, I sincerely apologize. But I do not and will not retract my previous or forthcoming statements on this matter. There are only three types of people in this world who should wear baseball caps: people playing baseball; people watching baseball (the cap-wearing of watchers should be restricted to AT THE GAME); and people who are making fun of people who wear baseball caps for any reason other than the two previously stated. Yeah, I know some people have to wear baseball caps for work. But that doesn't make them look any less stupid. And really, these people should be outraged - one or two company bigwigs thought they they could make more cash dollahs by latching on to this idiotic trend and now all of the lower level employees, who were already degrading themselves every time that they asked if you wanted fries with that, now have one more bullet point to add to their "Why You Should Go Postal On Everyone You Know" list. And what's so cruelly ironic is that the capitalist fatcats at the top of the company food chain, the very ones who suggested that their front-line minimun-wage slaves wear the baseball caps, would never, ever be caught dead wearing such a headpiece (except in their private box at Yankee Stadium) and the fact that they never wear these head-shaped moron-indicators is the reason that they're so successful. The company brass know that they're separated from the working masses because they were clever enough to realize that: a) they had a better chance at success if they never wore baseball caps themselves; b) they had a better chance at staggering wealth at the expense of the masses by forcing their underlings to wear baseball caps, thus preventing the proletariat from achieving financial success and hording more wealth for themselves.
Yeah, I just demonstrated how the use of baseball caps in company uniforms relates to the Marxist view of capitalism. It will come as no surprise to you that I have to beat good-looking guys away with a stick.
Anyway, all extremely valid arguments in favour of Communism aside, I will now discuss why I hate to see baseball caps on people who aren't forced to wear them. You look stupid, that's why. I'd hate for anyone to think that I dislike all hats; there are indeed many hats that, in my opinion can give their wearer a stylish or dashing appearance. A good fedora or porkpie, for example, is great for a genuinely cool musician who is trying to evoke musical ramblers and troubadors of days of yore. LADIES: BEWARE OF IMITATORS - science wing boys, whose senses for what attracts women have been honed by spending hours wooing fair elven maidens on World of Warcraft, and who have carefully developed skills of disguise and camouflage thanks to oodles of experience designing costumes for Renaissance fairs, will often don similar hats in an attempt to trick you into thinking that they're a musician long enough for you to feel guilty for not going out with them when you discover the truth. You can usually tell which ones are Sci-Wing from the long, black, awkwardly-hanging trenchcoats and the long, black, awkwardly (read: 'un') -washed hair. (Lordy, I am so mean. They're just trying to live as best they know how, for Oprah's sake! And James Sudul knows, I'm no pinnacle of perfection myself.)
Now, once again, I rein myself in and return to the point. Despite my appreciation for certain hats, it would take nothing short of a miracle to make me believe that baseball caps are acceptable social attire, let alone appreciate them. Allow me to lay out my reasoning behind this belief in easy-to-follow numbered point format: 1) As I stated above, certain hats can be flattering for certain people - baseball caps are flattering for no one. At best, provided the man wearing the cap is a Greek god, it covers up his soft, perfect locks, hiding them from the world [later leaving him with the distinct 'I-just-wore-a-ball-cap-and-now-there's-a-ring-around-my-head-like-I-just-had-my-head-stuck-in-a-toilet-bowl' kind of hat head] and the protruding duck-bill of a brim hides his striking Just-Fell-Into-A-Cool-Ocean/Warm-Chocolate/Jewely-Emerald/Description-for-Hazel eyes. Long story short, on good-looking guys, baseball caps obscur and mar perfection. That's the good-looking ones. 2) Baseball caps emphasize imperfections -> So, I heard you wanted to cast huge black shadows on your already gaunt face - why don't you try a baseball cap? You say you want to make your chubby face look rounder by eliminating any balance provided by your hair? I think a baseball cap is just your speed. What's that? You want to make your ears stand apart from the rest of your head, thereby completing your look of chimpanzee-like perfection? Friend, have I got the cap for you! -> They're not flattering. 'Nuff said. 3) Now, this complaint can be extended to the behaviour of mankind in general, but I'm going to try my best to stick to ball caps from now on. As a society, over the years, we've become more relaxed about proper behaviour in public. And overall, things seem to be going pretty well with that - as a woman, I appreciate being able to occasionally get out of the kitchen and mingle with people of both genders in the public sphere. But seriously boys (and I address this to boys because they're the major culprits in the baseball-cap scandal; any girls who make the mistake of wearing one have enough problems of their own without having to deal with my censure) would it kill you to observe even a slight iota of decorum and remove your hats when you go inside? Or at least at the table? I know that these caps are the vessels containing your souls, but please, do a favour for the annoying, whiny girl and show just a little respect. I've been in the kitchen all day cooking your meal, the least you can do is doff your hat before you hoover your food like a pig. 4) Baseball caps that are worn by people other than people playing/watching baseball always indicate that the wearer is some sort of "wannabe." If you're wearing the standard, team-logo, curved-brim cap, you 'wannabe' athletic. But you ain't. Those who can't play, coach; those who can't coach, teach gym; those who can't teach gym wear ball caps and fake an interest in sports. Either that, or they actually are athletes and they want everyone to know this - their egos are so massive that they can only be contained by the supernatural powers of the ball cap. If you're wearing the two-sizes-too-big, G-Unit (or similar label) cap with the flat brim and the sticker still visible on the underside of the bill, you 'wannabe' a G, for some reason. And you might in fact be a 'G', but I'll be darned if you ever become a genuine, Snoop-Dawgie-Dawg, Fiddy-approved Guerilla Unit, you white-boy, class-skippin', poor-freestylin' pothead. Respect your elders and your betters. If you're wearing a semi-flat-brimmed, comically or nostalgically logo'd cap and claim that you're wearing it ironically but actually can't go a day without it, even though you spend hours on your hair, you 'wannabe' a rebel-scene-punk-skater or some approximation thereof. You want girls to notice your flair for the unusual, but you're too busy noticing yourself in the mirror. Just like all of the other guys with the exact same hat. If you're wearing a trucker hat, you 'wannabe' a ...... trucker? American Eagle model? Owner of the next available vehicle from "Ted's New-to-You Trailer Lot"? I don't know what you want to be... but good luck with that...... If you're wearing your cap backwards, you 'wannabe' back in the nineties. And as much as I agree that those truly were the good old days, your cap should have stayed back then, where it was 'fashionable.' And really, even then, only the Carter bros could do it right. "If you Wannabe my lover, you'd better take off that cap...". If you're wearing any other kind of ball cap, keep it to yourself, I don't want to know about it. Better yet, donate to some poor, starving professional ball player who can't afford his own. James Sudul knows, they need it more than you do.
I know that I'm reading too much into this, but to me, the baseball cap signifies so many of society's current wrongs - the ultra-convenience and disposability that come with consumer culture; the lack of respect for the surrounding people and environment; the fact that boys just don't get it (and I don't just mean 'it' as in ball caps. I mean 'it' as in, everything.) To me, a baseball cap says "I just don't care." And that's not an attractive quality in anyone.
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4 comments:
I agree on most of your examples, but you're focusing only on its misapplications. To say that ballcaps are an entirely bad thing, simply because they're being used improperly, is quite unfair to those who use them conscientiously
The ballcap has lost it's way, becoming a symbol of lower middle class complacency, and worse still as a part of the bourgeois oppression of the proletariat.
In fact I reserve a special place of pity in my heart for people who proudly strut about in ballcaps emblazoning their favorite hockey team, wearing a matching windbreaker.
But the ballcap isn't all bad, its convenience and utility makes it an excellent working hat, should you make it out of the kitchen, through the sitting room, across the veranda -on which you receive your numerous gentleman callers- and out into the manual labour [read: MANual labour] that makes the world go round, you'll find that it's a good simple hat of a good simple people. The straw hats of quaint rural folk of your bourgeois social paradigms are in fact itchy and impractical.
What city folk don't understand is, a baseball cap is like a baseball glove, in that it needs to be broken in. A brand new cap is only worn by a rhube.
What's on the cap is almost irrelevant if worn properly [poser thug iconography and NHL teams aside.]
There's also a difference between a hat and a cap, and their affective uses to keep in mind, so as much as I loves porkpies, fedoras and bolars, when you drop the rest of your outfit in formality, past a certain point, you have to switch out to a straw version for the relaxed summerwear [mowing his lawn shirtless in a straw porkpie hat shorts and a pair of flipflops is the proper way for a man to do it]. As for caps, which are the labourer's staple, usually fall into the greek fisherman's cap [best suited for 50 year old greek fisherman] or newsboy cap [recommended for Dickensian street rats.] You have to ask yourself which of these glorious ideals you want to engender, and sometimes neither is applicable. When done properly the canvas ballcap can be a stylish staple of an outfit, like t-shirts, bluejeans and/or hightops.
All your examples of incorrect uses and bad hat etiquette I wholly agree with though.
It's also worth noting that chivalry isn't dead, only mostly dead. Lifting or even tipping the brim of your hat slightly is a polite gesture, provided you have the charisma for it. I personally only included women who are wearing skirts for this, because otherwise you're doing it incessantly to those who wouldn't appreciate, or even spurn the gesture.
Nathanial, wow.
Mickie: I'm gonna keep wearing my ball cap, which I wear approximately 1/365 of the year. Also, Roller Coaster tycoon is prime.
woo.
mickie .. i never knew you felt this way, that everytime i see you (most of which involes me wearing a cap) you have been disgusted by some part of me, i am gone to cry a little
Dear Pistol (and I suppose this applies to Jeri too),
Because I know you so well, I'm willing to forgive your be-cappedness. But in general, ball caps are just not first impression material. And Chatta, I'm not even going to start a fight with you on this one. You know how we get. You say something witty. I say something witty. You say something witty and mean. I can't think of anything witty to say, so I pretend you hurt my feelings and then say something about "doody" and laugh. You have no idea how to respond to that, so I win. I win every time Chatta. Good effort though!
P.S. If you're even thinking about responding, try instead thinking back to the time you told me that I looked terrible.
P.P.S. Doody.
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